Playing as a male character allowed safe exploration of my sexuality

I admit that title makes this seem like a very obvious, and short, piece to write. But I’m not writing on how playing as a male character helped me to embrace my attraction to women, but rather how it allowed me to safely explore my sexuality regarding men.

Allow me to explain. I’ve come out several times in my life already, the first of which was in university after it took me a ridiculously long time to publicly say “I fancy women”. From there, I believed my sexuality was cut and dry: I was a lesbian. Bye bye, men.

Turns out, my self-discovery wasn’t over, nor was it going to be that simple.

As I learnt more about my identity as I explored my queerness in a committed, long-term relationship, it became apparent to me that I still liked men. In an ideal world, coming out as bisexual shouldn’t have been difficult, but my life wasn’t ideal; I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be with a bisexual individual.

My coming out as such would be the final nail in the coffin for our relationship. I was, therefore, left in a space in which I felt unable to properly be myself lest it push away the person I loved, and so I tried to ignore my sexuality as best I could. At least outwardly.

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In the world of video games like Dragon Age, I could romance who I wanted without much backlash from observers. I say “much” because me playing as a woman and romancing a male protagonist often led to some kind of comment, a remark that was neither helpful nor warranted.

Consequently, after years of longing to be able to play as a female character, I started mainly playing as a male character so I could romance men to my heart’s content without any judgement. There were exceptions due to how heteronormative games can still be, but my go-to was male romance.

Male on male intimacy is never something I’ve shied away from – I got banned from Neopets' roleplaying board for writing about it. Still, always wanting to play as a male character was a shift for me, especially when I had the option to play as a female. I found it incredibly freeing, even more so when I started to play around with my gender identity.

Aspects of myself I’d tried to deny or file away for later analysis were now coming to the fore, the locks I’d placed on them no longer stable enough to hold them back.

Living elements of myself through a fictional character just wasn’t going to cut it for me anymore. This didn’t mean I had to be with a man (though I am now), but rather I needed to be able to express my sexuality without shame or fear; I wanted myself reflected back at me when I looked in a mirror, not merely by playing a game.

Video games offer us such sanctuary, but when you’re confined to a single safe space that sanctuary can soon feel akin to a prison. Such a creative medium shouldn’t ever be shrunk down to suit others, especially by the demons inside our own minds and/or the ones whispering in our ears take indirect control.

Now I play as whatever character I please, and romance whoever I want – typically the whole cast, if the game allows. I’m forever grateful for the space I had to discover myself, but I’m glad that I can now embrace that medium in the fullest sense; neither it nor myself will be restricted anymore.

Topics: Features, Real Life, PlayStation, Xbox, PC